Some things in this world are unquestionably genuine.
A handshake from an 81-year-old veteran.
The wag of a dog's tail.
And, of course, anything that comes from the mouth of Justin Bieber.
When the boy (or man, or man-boy, idk, is he 18 yet?) cries for help, someone darn well better run and make sure every follicle of his angelically crafted hair is back in place, literally and figuratively.
So when the Canadian-born pop star claimed that his laptop and phone had been stolen from his dressing room while he swooned thousands of teen-age girls and their not-teen-age mothers this week at the Tacoma Dome, we gasped.
How dare they. His phone. His laptop. His Instagram photos. Baby, baby, baby, nooooo.
Then, on Thursday we got word that these sinister, Ocean's Eleven wannabees were holding the Biebster hostage. Their torture device of choice? Twitter.
Someone with the handle @gexwy laid out the 140-character ransom note: "@justinbieber notice us and answer your dms (direct messages, a private way to communicate on Twitter) or we are going to put the other videos from the camera out!"
Wow. The plot thickens like Bieber's extra-hold styling gel. We waited with anticipation and questions. What videos? What photos? Why does the outside of the Tacoma Dome look like my dad's vest that he bought at JCPenney's?
Then, at noon Lakewood Standard Time, @gexwy delivered on the threat. And we tuned in. OMG. Justin has a new video!
While it was good news for Bieber fans and their mothers, it left some in the South Sound crying foul. KOMO was questioning whether the alleged thefts were a hoax. Seattle Weekly was so tough on Bieber that we almost dialed Child Protective Services.
But alas, the Bieber camp stuck to its story. According to the Weekly:
...according to Bieber's tour manager, the pop star really did have a computer stolen from him in Tacoma, and the reason no police report could be located is because it was filed under the name of his tour manager, Josh Williams. Bieber's manager, irked by my post, classified the timing of it all as "making lemonade out of lemons."
Tacoma Police spokesperson Mark Fulghum confirms that a police report was filed online using the name Josh Williams a little after 9 p.m. on Oct. 10, claiming a laptop had been stolen.
Well, of course, Bieber himself didn't make the call. Can you imagine how that would have went down? Probably the most memorable call in emergency operations history:
Operator: "911. What is your emergency?"
Caller: "Hey girl. This is Justin Bieber. I'm here in a dome that looks like my dad's vest and am tearing it up on stage. I was on the last hook of "Baby" when someone snuck into my dressing room and stole my stuff. It had my pictures, videos, Facebook preferences, Angry Birds. All that."
Operator: (Dial tone)
Now, we don't know what to think. Our emotions are running high. The only thing that could help would be a slow song from Bieber himself.
The moral of this story, which has seemingly been recited throughout history, watch yo' back when rollin' in the 253.
We want to hear from you, Patch users, do you think Justin Bieber's stolen stuff at the Tacoma Dome was real or part of a hoax? Tell us in the comments below.