Moms Talk: What Can Parents Do To Connect With Their Teenagers?

Our innocent, sweet children grow up and become teenagers, that is a good thing.

We want all of our children to grow, experience, and learn to become caring, independent adults. It is no easy task to raise teenagers as they try to become more self-sufficent and move away from needing their parents.

This time is often called the "Teenage Drift." It's a phase of life for teenagers that can be very difficult, and  even though youth move away from needing parents, they actually need this connection more than ever. Parents and teens working together can successfully manuever this phase of life. Teens are in a transition in their lives where they are discovering their interests, talents, and where they fit in with their peers and family. Parents can help them to the road of independence even if teenagers try to disconnect from them.

Four Key Points Will Help Parents Deal with Teenage Drift

1. Begin Early

Develop a trusting relationship while they are young. Talk and engage your child build a bond right from the beginning. As they move through adolescence, this foundation of love and trust will already be in place.

It happens quickly as they start having hormonal changes. They get mood swings, and about this same time they become more concerned with what their friends are wearing and saying. Parental opinions aren't considered. If you develop a close bond before this time, you have something to balance the move toward friends and away from parents. It's natural for youth to prefer the company of their peers and to place their opinions above others. They will balance these needs with the foundation of information already given from parents.

2. Be Involved

Stay interested in their activities and friends. Attend school events, offer adoration for trying out for the squad even if they don't make it, remind them the joy is often in the journey of discovery. They will feel your honest and sincere care, which will keep them connected as they try out independence. It's hard to keep track of  their friendships with cell phones and texting. Nowadays, parents need to ask more questions without interrogation and be as informed about friends as possible. Ask who's going to the dance. Maybe invite a group of their friends over afterwards for a treat. Try to meet their friends in person. 

3. Do Things Together Often

Find common things you like to do with your teenager. Decide what they enjoy doing and go out and do it together. Maybe they like to fish with dad in the rain, or have a rental movie and ice cream night. Plan ahead, since teenagers often  make plans with friends. Do not be disappointed if you have to reschedule, but do hold them to a night together. Our family enjoys popcorn most Sunday evenings. We play a game or watch a movie, and being together develops listening and connecting skills that will help them into adulthood. Maybe it is making something crafty with mom or baking cookies with dad for their friends. It's not the activity that matters. It is the time together.

4. Talk, But Mostly Listen

There are important moments when teenagers want to talk.  It's usually at the most inconvenient time — late at night, while you are making dinner, even when you are on the phone. Do whatever you can to stop and listen. Teenagers love to be respected and want to know that their feelings matter. Do not dominate the conversation. It's most important to be there and listen, give some insight, but not advice--like you should have done this. Try to be more like, "What if you tried this?" or "Did you consider that point of view?" Let them know you are listening and offer praise in the shared success or concern and love with the given challenge. Teenagers hate it when mom or dad are know-it-alls. Talk often and do not let them get away with: Q. "How was your day?" A. "Good."

Teach them to make right choices and how to correct wrong choices that they will inevitably make. Be in the background where they know they have an ally if needed. They will want to be respected, converse often without advising.  Maintain a healthy distance, while teaching them trust and support. Teach them that responsibility with actions comes accountability and assure them you are a always there for them.

Don't take this drifting personally, start early, be available, spend time with your teen, and talk often to offer support. Remember what it was like to be a teenager and how hard change is for them.  There will be short bursts of time together,  so it is as important to connect with teens like we do with young children. As parents we strive to stay connected, and as we do, a bridge of understanding for our teenagers will develop.